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On the way home from Burke we had a "talk" and it continued through the evening...

I said, I can tell he hasn't been happy, I've been too bossy, too negative, emotional and too impatient. Who would want to spend the rest of their life with "THAT"?? He said I have been those things and so those are things that makes him wonder if we are right for eachother. I said, I just want to be loved for who I am, and my TYPE A personality because that will probably NEVER change. I do need to change in the area of just being "nicer" and not so demanding and picky about every little thing but honestly, I've tried to change that, but its in my genes so I don't know how much that will really change. We both argreed we love eachother and always will...

He hasn't been "talking to me" /communicating about important things for over a month. I have been trying to work on the house plans and I needed to know if this merge (to Sundance) was really going to work because I was about to give up a lot... my house, and my job OR having to drive LOTS, it was just a lot to do and change if things weren't going to "work out." Cory finally told me today that he wasn't able to move to Sundance because of his job and asked if I would move to Spearfish but he undertood that I have a good job and a good situation in Gillette. I said, I wouldn't move to Spearfish and give it all up ,,,the main reason is: I want LAND for animals and to raise my boys in the country. If I buy land in Spearfish it would cost LOTS more than Sundance. PLUS IF I got a job in Spearfish I would take a $12,000 cut in pay so I'd be NOT as well off finacially! So, not a finacially smart move for me!

I also said I want (and he should want this too) to KNOW that I KNOW, that I KNOW that I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with him before I commit anymore. Sadly, I don't "KNOW" and I he doesn't either... doesn't that say something? we are NOT meant to be together. I am totally broken hearted because I do know that I could date 20 more guys and never find a man like Cory. He is amazing! I love so many things about him. He is awesome to the boys and I know he'd be a great daddy to them.But him and I need to make it "real" first and we can't seem to do that.

Another thing that has had me kind of upset is: He hasn't done anything "nice" for me in a LONG time! He use to surprise me and give me special things or a card or just do little sweet things but lately none of that. I only got flowers from him once ortwice and that wasso long ago I barely remember. Not thatI need flowers but I need a little Romance. Maybe that's because he's been so busy doing"dirty" work for me,,, painting,installing new light fixtures, and in general just staying busy "taking care of us". but I need more than that... in the area of LOVE. He hasn't told me I'm beautiful or anything. He can't look deeply into my eyes and tell me how he's so in love with me! (maybe because he's NOT!?) I am guessing he hasn't been making much effort towards making this relationship work because he's gotten "comfortable" OR he feels I haven't been worthy of anything Lovey beacause of my awful behaviors (listed above). Who knows, but I do know that we aren't IN LOVE anymore.

Lastly, the qualities that MR. Perfect isn't so perfect in are the passion and communication. He isn't passionate about me,,, and the above paragraph proves that. He just doesn't have that Passion that I'm looking for in a man. Also, I can't stand him NOT talking to me. As I said over a year ago I get tired of bringing upconcerns and him writing it off as "nothing". It wasn't NOTHING or I wouldn't have said anything about it and so I want to know he is listening and wants to talk things out to help me work out the problem. He's done this about the merge/house/land plans SSSOOO many times in the past several months. AGH! I get so frustrated when he won't talk or acts like he just doesn't care~!

God, I love him so much but I just don't think he is the one for me~! I wish so bad he was because I want him so much,but deep down in my heart I feel I can't go on with this relationship always wanting things to change. I don't think that is what a "near perfect relationship" is sopossed to be. It should be two people who totally respect and love eachother so much that they love eachother regardless of their personality issues. AND they don't want to change the other person or themselves. I just want to be loved for who I am... and I want to love my "husband" for who he is and I don't want to have feelings of wishing he would change all the time. I know no one is perfect and there's never a perfect relationship... there's got to be give and take and total repsect! Cory and I don't seem tohave that.

I am scared I won't have the strength to let him go... I want him back even knowing we probably aren't meant to be together. WHY? Am I just afraid of being alone? Did we get together too soon after DB died? WHY? and why can't we just love and respect eachother regardless of our personality flaws? I don't know,,, but I know I don't want to be ina relationship that just does't feel right. I'm sure there is a girl out there who is "more right" for him! He wants to get married, he wants to have a baby and he deserves to be loved and repsected and have some one who doesn't treat him like crap! (By the way, I have been thinking I will get remarried and possibly even have another baby if it all feels right,,, IF I know that I know, that that's what I really want!)

I guess, as heartbreaking as this is, Cory and I are NO LONGER!

Verstand is als een valscherm, wanneer men er geen heeft, valt men te pletter. - Pierre Desproges

I decided to start a Journal for the year 2008. With the new changes of quitting my job and starting nursing school, i felt that having a journal to record my daily thoughts would be good for me. Vent.. brag.. anything i want.

剑胆琴心

上个周末，敦爹雨中逛武夷山小城，喜得一匾，'剑胆琴心'四个大的烫金字跃然匾上，今晨敦爹在仔细欣赏过金匾后，得意地声称，这四个字正是他本人的境界。07年尾了，敦爹自己做的年终总结还真带有高度的概括性和浪漫主义情怀。

设想一下，一只柔弱的老鼠，他本身对生活的要求并不高，别人的屋檐下就能过得不错，但无奈的是，他当年年轻气盛，竟然鼠胆包天不顾后果地娶了只北方的大牛，还生了一只小牛，为了养活家里一大一小两只牛，老鼠不得不挺着其柔弱之躯拼老命挣钱，因为家里不但需要很多的粮草，而且还需要巨大的牛棚。老鼠每天在办公室玩命工作到深夜，回家还得撑着鼠胆来面对家里老牛发脾气时被踩的危险。如果老鼠没有剑胆，很难撑到今天。

老鼠敬爱自己的长辈，连他的天敌小猫乐肥都被老鼠对老猪和老猴的万般柔情感动了，暗暗佩服老鼠的琴心，决心下辈子也不远游，在家伺候爹娘。

元吴莱《岁晚恍然有怀》诗："小榻琴心展，长缨剑胆舒。"可是如今刚柔相济，任侠儒雅的男人太少了。男人有剑胆的缺琴心，有琴心的一般得跟老婆借剑胆。能与千里挑一的剑胆相伴，能与有万里挑一的琴心相随。我们家两头牛不知足都难哪。

Research has shown that a literal day of "REST" that is, restricted environmental stimulation therapy can work wonders. After a day of quiet on a comfortable bed in a dark, soundproofed room, people often emerge refreshed and with new self-control - an improved ability to stop smoking, to reduce drinking, to lose weight. Smaller doses of solitude even a daily few minutes of meditation or prayer, can provide spiritual recharging for active living.

Psychology Today July / August 1993 p66 David Myers

quit my job and start my journey in discovering life as a freelance interpreter, aide-worker and missionary worker. alas i have bills to pay now. life.

So my sos.. had his polygraph today.. he was majorly stressed.

like on the level that triggered Bruce Banner to turn into the HULK. lol

I wonder if he he did turn into the HULK if he would pick me up like dude did in the hulk.. and possibly perform some mind blowing oral on me? lmao. me and im imagination.

So Tauri and I chilled at his place. took him for a walk..hes finally gotten used to me being the man. Ahem! Still jealous of me... and my sos... .dosent like it when i give him too much attention.. nor does he like it when he gives me attention.. So it breaks down to this. in his mind i think. "Man.. you pay attention and love on me.. Woman.. you pay attention and love on me. NOT eachother!"

He got home that evening.. and tooted his own horn at his success. and asked me how would i like rolling with a vb police officer... now i am and always have been the whips chains handcuff type of gal. but i think the baton will have to stay outta the bedroom. lol. nevertheless not a bad vision. However still skeptical on his issues with past women. yea it hurts to be shitted on. This i understand more than most.. but i think he dwells on it entirely too much... sometimes i think hes just waiting for me to betray him. or piss him off.. waiting.. waiting. ok. enough already!

So. i finally cussed dude out. for calling me at all hours. he knows that im entertaining the time of sos. but feels that his tiny pale dick that graces my cell phone text messages. will make me want him.. lmao. never did.. never will.. not tomorrow.. never so chill!